I've always had a bit of a worry-wart disposition. If any of you knew my mom, you'd understand I come by it honestly.
I worry a lot.
Until I had Lala, I didn't know how hard it could be to live with worry on a daily basis. As a disclaimer, I am writing solely based on my own experiences. Every parent has a different experience.
Since she just turned three yesterday, I found myself reflecting a lot about the past three years. A lot of time was spent reflecting on her birth and the first few months of life.
Her birth was traumatic for me. It's taken years to understand this, but it was. It wasn't how we had planned at all. She didn't cry when she was born. I was surrounded by people I didn't know.
Fast forward 2 months, I get diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, my milk is gone and Lala is classified as "failing to thrive" because she hasn't gained any weight in a month.
This is where the worry comes in today.
I worry that Gogo isn't getting enough food. That Lala, at three, isn't getting enough either. (ridiculous because Gogo eats on average 32-38oz of formula PLUS a ton of solid food a day and Lala is a bottomless pit).
I worry that they will resent me for not socializing them more, for not playing with them every time they ask, for making them cry it out. (again, ridiculous because how many of us remember being 10 months or 3 years old?)
I just want them to have the same kind of relationship I have with my mom. I'm so blessed to be in a great place with her. I've never hated my mom, like teen girls are "supposed" to. So when everyone says "oh just wait till you have two teenage girls on your hands" I start to worry about how our relationship will be.
I'm worried about how they'll thrive in the world today. There is so much going on that makes me concerned for their futures, not only as women but as humans in the world today. I hope that Poppa and I can give them the tools, skills and morals they need to navigate the world.
I worry about their happiness. Really, they can do what they'd like with their lives. Our only expectation for them is that they're happy (and healthy).
I worry a lot.
But having Gogo reach for me and smile, or have Lala say "You're the best momma ever. I love you all the time" certainly helps quiet them a lot of the time.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Fear for the future
I'm sitting here, enjoying my morning cup of tea and the sounds of Lala (running around in a diaper with a blanket over her head) and Gogo (currently in the playpen) laughing at each other. I'm also catching up on the news from overnight/yesterday.
What I've been reading the last several days have made me sick and very afraid for the girls' futures.
*Cyber Bullying/Bullying in general: There are so many stories about kids getting bullied via social media. The draw of it is that you can do it anonymously. That old schoolyard saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is completely false these days.
The most recent story that made me fear for the future was of a young girl who donated 14 inches of her hair to make wigs for children going through chemo or dealing with being bald for other reasons. She's 12. Can we for a second admire her selfless act? She got a darling pixie cut, went back to school, and was immediately bullied. Because she cut her hair and "looked like a boy". Who cares about why she did it, she was picked on.
I had super short hair for a lot of my childhood and was called boy often. It sickens me that these kids trying to do good, but their peers don't recognize the good and jump on an opportunity to bully. The school refused to see it as bullying, which is of itself a whole other matter....thank goodness the school district we're in has a zero tolerance policy.
I wouldn't say I was bullied in today's definition (that's another post), but these days, there are so many avenues for doing/receiving it. The reasons why people do it (and it's not just kids either) is because they disagree with what someone is doing or how they look...or because an individual is "different". I wonder just how incredibly insecure these people are to pick on others, especially through the vale of the internet. I wonder why they believe this is acceptable.
I'm tempted to ban all online interactions until the girls are in college.
*GamerGate: The hubs and I are both avid gamers. I was working in the gaming industry before I had Lala. I've been playing games my whole life. I never felt "different" for liking them, since it was just part of who I am.
It wasn't until my first role as a QA tester that I realized just how differently women were viewed in the gaming world. I was part of a multiplayer test for a racing game, and the guy I was testing with was mouthing off about how I was "totally cheating" because I was getting specific power-ups/winning races/etc. There was a crowd of the other testers around us (it was the end of the day) and all of them were guys. He kept saying that I didn't know what I was doing, that I had unfair advantages, that I didn't actually know how to game. All of this because he was losing...badly...finally, at one point, our lead looked at him and told him he'd better just put his foot in his mouth because he was getting his ass kicked by a really good gamer...who happened to be female. I left that company soon after.
In case you've been under a rock lately, GamerGate is a phrase currently being used as a rallying point for a misogynistic group of individuals in an effort to remove women from mainstream gaming culture. It started as an unethical attack on a single female developer and has spiraled out to target any woman in gamest development, game journalism, or nerd culture in general. While some people will claim GG is about getting better ethical standards in game journalism, absolutely nothing has been proposed, advanced, or even theorised on how that can be done or what current practices are unacceptable. Instead, an outpouring of hate directed at women has been put forward on a scale not seen since the Iranian revolution.
*The fact that they're WOMEN: There are so many things that are putting shame on people simply because physically, they're female. (I'm going to use the royal "we" here...don't get thrown off) We get blamed for rape because how we were dressed/acted/looked gets interpreted as consent or quite clearly, we were "asking for it". Schools are banning yoga pants...because it's the girls fault for "tempting men" because obviously guys have zero control over themselves. We're getting the ability to make choices about OUR bodies taken away because we don't have the best interest in mind...obviously we don't know our bodies as well as men do. (That's not a statement for pro-life/pro-choice...simply that we're not getting to choose what's best for us...some choose one thing, and others do the opposite...but we should be able to make our own decisions about our own bodies, right?) It's just frightening. It almost seems like we're going back to the days where women were considered second class or even property. Having two daughters I'm raising makes me so fearful about how their world will be when they are adults.
This whole raising kids thing is scary, and then you throw gender into the mix and it gets even scarier. I can only hope that the world turns around and figures itself out. Otherwise, screw it, we're moving to the mountains and living off the land.
What I've been reading the last several days have made me sick and very afraid for the girls' futures.
*Cyber Bullying/Bullying in general: There are so many stories about kids getting bullied via social media. The draw of it is that you can do it anonymously. That old schoolyard saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is completely false these days.
The most recent story that made me fear for the future was of a young girl who donated 14 inches of her hair to make wigs for children going through chemo or dealing with being bald for other reasons. She's 12. Can we for a second admire her selfless act? She got a darling pixie cut, went back to school, and was immediately bullied. Because she cut her hair and "looked like a boy". Who cares about why she did it, she was picked on.
I had super short hair for a lot of my childhood and was called boy often. It sickens me that these kids trying to do good, but their peers don't recognize the good and jump on an opportunity to bully. The school refused to see it as bullying, which is of itself a whole other matter....thank goodness the school district we're in has a zero tolerance policy.
I wouldn't say I was bullied in today's definition (that's another post), but these days, there are so many avenues for doing/receiving it. The reasons why people do it (and it's not just kids either) is because they disagree with what someone is doing or how they look...or because an individual is "different". I wonder just how incredibly insecure these people are to pick on others, especially through the vale of the internet. I wonder why they believe this is acceptable.
I'm tempted to ban all online interactions until the girls are in college.
*GamerGate: The hubs and I are both avid gamers. I was working in the gaming industry before I had Lala. I've been playing games my whole life. I never felt "different" for liking them, since it was just part of who I am.
It wasn't until my first role as a QA tester that I realized just how differently women were viewed in the gaming world. I was part of a multiplayer test for a racing game, and the guy I was testing with was mouthing off about how I was "totally cheating" because I was getting specific power-ups/winning races/etc. There was a crowd of the other testers around us (it was the end of the day) and all of them were guys. He kept saying that I didn't know what I was doing, that I had unfair advantages, that I didn't actually know how to game. All of this because he was losing...badly...finally, at one point, our lead looked at him and told him he'd better just put his foot in his mouth because he was getting his ass kicked by a really good gamer...who happened to be female. I left that company soon after.
In case you've been under a rock lately, GamerGate is a phrase currently being used as a rallying point for a misogynistic group of individuals in an effort to remove women from mainstream gaming culture. It started as an unethical attack on a single female developer and has spiraled out to target any woman in gamest development, game journalism, or nerd culture in general. While some people will claim GG is about getting better ethical standards in game journalism, absolutely nothing has been proposed, advanced, or even theorised on how that can be done or what current practices are unacceptable. Instead, an outpouring of hate directed at women has been put forward on a scale not seen since the Iranian revolution.
*The fact that they're WOMEN: There are so many things that are putting shame on people simply because physically, they're female. (I'm going to use the royal "we" here...don't get thrown off) We get blamed for rape because how we were dressed/acted/looked gets interpreted as consent or quite clearly, we were "asking for it". Schools are banning yoga pants...because it's the girls fault for "tempting men" because obviously guys have zero control over themselves. We're getting the ability to make choices about OUR bodies taken away because we don't have the best interest in mind...obviously we don't know our bodies as well as men do. (That's not a statement for pro-life/pro-choice...simply that we're not getting to choose what's best for us...some choose one thing, and others do the opposite...but we should be able to make our own decisions about our own bodies, right?) It's just frightening. It almost seems like we're going back to the days where women were considered second class or even property. Having two daughters I'm raising makes me so fearful about how their world will be when they are adults.
This whole raising kids thing is scary, and then you throw gender into the mix and it gets even scarier. I can only hope that the world turns around and figures itself out. Otherwise, screw it, we're moving to the mountains and living off the land.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Four years
This past Friday, the Husband and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. We sat together wondering how we'd gotten to four years already. We haven't always been able to do a lot for this day, and this year was no exception. However, it's not something that really upsets us....just kind of how we do things. We reflected, spent time together...after all, that's really all that we need. Here's what we remembered from the last four anniversaries:
I'm eagerly looking forward to our first date...and also for a little toddler's 3rd birthday! She's demanded a Pink Party where everyone (and she means EVERYONE) wears tutus. So, I'm making everyone tutus. Not even kidding.
I would write more, but I have a growling Gogo to go remove from a not so great spot....
- 2010 - we got married! What an incredible day surrounded with people we love.
- 2011 - I was in the hospital with pre-term labor. Weird to think that Lala could have been born on our anniversary. She would have been 32 weeks, but the doctors insisted she would have been okay.
- 2012 - The hubs surprised me with a trip to Leavenworth in December to see the lights. Leavenworth is this DARLING bavarian themed town in the mountains. He had rented this little cottage on a vineyard. Although....I got super sick. Hurray for the perfectly timed flu.
- 2013 - Hubs had just been laid off from Zynga, so we kept it low key. Plus I was 6ish months pregnant.
- 2014 - Hubs had a huge gaming thing this weekend. I got to spend time going to parks with the girls.
- Nov - Fly Me To The Moon: a classy night out, listening to Frank Sinatra and going to fun bars.
- Dec - Jolly Good Fun: British night! Fish n chips, beer/cider and a movie set in England.
- Jan - Snug as a Bug in a Rug: snug up with tea, books and each other.
- Feb - Test of Everlasting Love: Wii Showdown, will we still love each other after? Hahaha!
- March - Saint Patty's Day: Hang out at a pub, make food at home or invite friends over for a feast.
- April - A Night at the Ballet: Our favorite principal dancer is retiring at the end of the season, so we'll catch Swan Lake (for the third time) and then eat at a fun restaurant!
- May - Dinner in Reverse! Dessert, dinner, appetizers! In that order.
- June - Do You Wanna Build a Garden?: (can you tell I've been watching Frozen a ton?) Do some yard work as a family! Fence, garden, etc.
- July - Picnic in the Park: Exactly what it sounds like
- Aug - Ren Faire! Time to take the girls to their first Ren faire! Gotta get costumes made for them and fix my own!
- Sept - A Date at the Frye Museum: Checking out a local museum we haven't gone to yet.
- Oct - Back where it all began: A hike at Saint Edwards Park. We went there the day he proposed (and almost lost my parent's dog), we got married at the chapel on the property....now it's time to enjoy the fall colors and let the girls run wild!
I'm eagerly looking forward to our first date...and also for a little toddler's 3rd birthday! She's demanded a Pink Party where everyone (and she means EVERYONE) wears tutus. So, I'm making everyone tutus. Not even kidding.
I would write more, but I have a growling Gogo to go remove from a not so great spot....
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Thoughts
A few things have happened in our family over the last few weeks that have made me think a lot about my past and the things that I miss the most, or the things that I regret not doing.
First, we had the girls great-grandfather visit from California. It was a rare treat for all of us here and was so fantastic for Lala to get some interaction with him. The last time he and his wife were up here, Lala was just 8 months old, the exact age Gogo is.
Second, our newest niece was born. Bonbon was greeted warmly by both Lala and Gogo (who couldn't contain her fascination at another tiny human).
Finally, our extended family suffered a loss this past Sunday. I didn't know her as well as many others in the family, but I have fond memories of jet skiing with her outside of Spokane many summers. She was just 18.
All these have made me reflect and come to the following thoughts:
Now, with apple cider chicken for sandwiches in the crock pot (and making my house smell AMAZING), I'm going to go snug my girls a little closer, and hope that Poppa is in a mood for cuddles when he gets home.
Go hug the people (and pets) you love. And please please please be safe.
First, we had the girls great-grandfather visit from California. It was a rare treat for all of us here and was so fantastic for Lala to get some interaction with him. The last time he and his wife were up here, Lala was just 8 months old, the exact age Gogo is.
Second, our newest niece was born. Bonbon was greeted warmly by both Lala and Gogo (who couldn't contain her fascination at another tiny human).
Finally, our extended family suffered a loss this past Sunday. I didn't know her as well as many others in the family, but I have fond memories of jet skiing with her outside of Spokane many summers. She was just 18.
All these have made me reflect and come to the following thoughts:
- Our daughters have ALL FOUR of their grandparents AND four great-grandparents. How incredibly lucky is that? I only had three grandparents around when I was born, and had lost all of them before I graduated from college. I'm thankful that my parents and my in-laws are all in decent health so that the girls will have a relationship with them unlike what I had with mine.
- I'm thankful that all of their cousins are within a few hours so that they can grow up together and be part of each others lives. Uncle Bubba needs to move back up here with Eheh and Cocoba, but at least they're no more than 3 hours away. Poppa only ever got to see some of his cousins every summer, and then only every 3 years. So, I'm very grateful everyone is close.
- I don't keep in touch with my extended family the way I should. I am planning on reaching out to my cousins and family to get together and catch up. Life is shockingly short, and I don't want to miss out on things they can teach me.
Now, with apple cider chicken for sandwiches in the crock pot (and making my house smell AMAZING), I'm going to go snug my girls a little closer, and hope that Poppa is in a mood for cuddles when he gets home.
Go hug the people (and pets) you love. And please please please be safe.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Life lately
Life lately has been entertaining to say the least. Here's just a snapshot of the last few days:
- Gogo is now pulling herself up on EVERYTHING. The cat, her crib, etc...we've set up a baby corral to keep her contained.
- Lala has taken it upon herself to inform me what is "my job" and what isn't. She's got a few opinions on that subject.
- The development going in behind our house has 2 houses under construction and they're putting up trees today...Seems silly to plant trees after ripping out an entire forrest for 68 houses.
- I'm going to be an aunt! Again! BonBon should be here ANY day now, AND we get to look forward to Baby Ball sometime in March! So exciting!
- I painted Lala's toes for the first time yesterday. I wasn't sure how she'd like it, since she doesn't seem to love typical "girly" things (not that I care) but she saw my painted toes and wanted hers done too. She now has "dancing toes" as she'll tell you.
- Oh...I turn 28 in a few days. That's weird.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
You'll never know
I see you playing together.
You both look to see if I'm watching
And I am
But you'll never see
The exhaustion
The tears
The frustration
Because all you need to see
Is me.
If I smile at you
Be it through tears
Through drooping eyes
Or through gritted teeth
All you see is a smile.
The hugs you both need
Are surrounding you both
With so much love
That I hope
You can feel through
The shaking
The tightness
The looseness
Because I want to give you
All the love I have
Regardless of the tears, tiredness, tension.
I hope you'll never see
Anything but love.
You both look to see if I'm watching
And I am
But you'll never see
The exhaustion
The tears
The frustration
Because all you need to see
Is me.
If I smile at you
Be it through tears
Through drooping eyes
Or through gritted teeth
All you see is a smile.
The hugs you both need
Are surrounding you both
With so much love
That I hope
You can feel through
The shaking
The tightness
The looseness
Because I want to give you
All the love I have
Regardless of the tears, tiredness, tension.
I hope you'll never see
Anything but love.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Jealousy, Support, and the curse of putting yourself last
This past weekend has been one that happens every year for our little family. It's been happening since before my husband and I started dating (7 years ago...can you believe that?) This weekend was the Penny Arcade Expo here in Seattle. Or, as everyone else calls it, PAX Prime.
Why Prime? There are FOUR different shows as of this year: Prime (Seattle), East (Boston), South (Austin), and Australia. Seattle was the location of the first show 10 years ago.
The whole show is supposed to be FOR Gamers, BY Gamers. There are video game developers, board games, handheld consoles, PC gaming....everything. It's family friendly and there's always lots to do! People usually do Cosplay (dress as characters from games) and there are those who go ALL out. Lala has dressed up as R2Tutu and this year as Navi (from the Zelda games). You can find out more about it HERE.
These Expos sell out in MINUTES. I'm not even kidding. This year, the badges for all four days of PAX Prime sold out in 40 minutes. The whole show was sold out in just 24 hours. For reference, the show will see about 80k people over those 4 days....so that's FAST.
To run a convention that will see that many people in 4 days, they need an excellent crew of people to help out. This is where the Enforcers come in. These are about 750 people who volunteer their time to help the show run smoothly. They're not paid. They take time away from their families, from work, from actually getting to experience the show, so that everything runs well.
Hubs is the head of the Line Management division of these Enforcers. (That was quite the set up needed to get here...sorry about that). These dedicated people are in charge of ALL the lines for the entire show. The line to get into the show in the morning? Yep. The one for that booth giving stuff away? You betcha. The various demos going on? Yes indeedy. The ones for the concerts and panels and signings? Oh yeah. So....all these lines that all these people get into, Hubs is in charge of them all. He gets up at about 4:45am and gets home after midnight. The man can run on no sleep, so he's fine. He loves it.
With him gone all day for the four days of the show PLUS two more (set up and tear down), I'm basically a single mom. When I was pregnant, I was still working, so it was fine. When Lala was almost 1, totally doable. Last year, it was fun to see him showing his little R2 off. This year....this year was HARD.
Gogo learned how to crawl, pull herself up on EVERYTHING, is teething AND got a minor ear ache. Lala decided not to sleep if her poppa wasn't here. It was stressful, and tiring. I have great respect for single parents, but I have even more if they have more than one kid now.
Through all of this, and with the added bonus of depression, I was a mess. I tried to keep it in as best I could so that Hubs felt supported and encouraged to keep doing what he loved. However, the green-eyed monster reared it's ugly head by yesterday.
I don't envy him the show. He works hard. Everyone tells me how much he's appreciated and admired. No....what I envy is the escape. The hours away from things he "has" to do and getting to do all the things he loves to do instead. I envy the After Party, the groups of friends he gets to hang out with during the show, the building friendships, the GETTING TO DO WHAT HE LOVES.
I love being a mom. I love my girls...but there are times I get so burned out. This is one of those times.
Top all this off with him telling me that the head of the entire show needs him to go to the one in Australia again....I lost it. I was beyond jealous. I was straight out envious. I still am. He'll be gone a week. Getting to go to Australia. He'll miss Gogo's first Halloween. He's getting to go away.
I haven't gotten a "get-on-a-plane" vacation since I was pregnant with Lala.
Everyone else has gotten away several times since then. Even Hubs.
I want to let jealousy take over. I want to throw a tantrum that rivals one of Lala's. I want to scream about how unfair this is.
But I won't.
I'll smile. I'll say "how wonderful it is to be needed so badly." I'll support him. I'll look at my girls who need ME so badly.
I'll put myself last again.
Ah, to be a mom.
Why Prime? There are FOUR different shows as of this year: Prime (Seattle), East (Boston), South (Austin), and Australia. Seattle was the location of the first show 10 years ago.
The whole show is supposed to be FOR Gamers, BY Gamers. There are video game developers, board games, handheld consoles, PC gaming....everything. It's family friendly and there's always lots to do! People usually do Cosplay (dress as characters from games) and there are those who go ALL out. Lala has dressed up as R2Tutu and this year as Navi (from the Zelda games). You can find out more about it HERE.
These Expos sell out in MINUTES. I'm not even kidding. This year, the badges for all four days of PAX Prime sold out in 40 minutes. The whole show was sold out in just 24 hours. For reference, the show will see about 80k people over those 4 days....so that's FAST.
To run a convention that will see that many people in 4 days, they need an excellent crew of people to help out. This is where the Enforcers come in. These are about 750 people who volunteer their time to help the show run smoothly. They're not paid. They take time away from their families, from work, from actually getting to experience the show, so that everything runs well.
Hubs is the head of the Line Management division of these Enforcers. (That was quite the set up needed to get here...sorry about that). These dedicated people are in charge of ALL the lines for the entire show. The line to get into the show in the morning? Yep. The one for that booth giving stuff away? You betcha. The various demos going on? Yes indeedy. The ones for the concerts and panels and signings? Oh yeah. So....all these lines that all these people get into, Hubs is in charge of them all. He gets up at about 4:45am and gets home after midnight. The man can run on no sleep, so he's fine. He loves it.
With him gone all day for the four days of the show PLUS two more (set up and tear down), I'm basically a single mom. When I was pregnant, I was still working, so it was fine. When Lala was almost 1, totally doable. Last year, it was fun to see him showing his little R2 off. This year....this year was HARD.
Gogo learned how to crawl, pull herself up on EVERYTHING, is teething AND got a minor ear ache. Lala decided not to sleep if her poppa wasn't here. It was stressful, and tiring. I have great respect for single parents, but I have even more if they have more than one kid now.
Through all of this, and with the added bonus of depression, I was a mess. I tried to keep it in as best I could so that Hubs felt supported and encouraged to keep doing what he loved. However, the green-eyed monster reared it's ugly head by yesterday.
I don't envy him the show. He works hard. Everyone tells me how much he's appreciated and admired. No....what I envy is the escape. The hours away from things he "has" to do and getting to do all the things he loves to do instead. I envy the After Party, the groups of friends he gets to hang out with during the show, the building friendships, the GETTING TO DO WHAT HE LOVES.
I love being a mom. I love my girls...but there are times I get so burned out. This is one of those times.
Top all this off with him telling me that the head of the entire show needs him to go to the one in Australia again....I lost it. I was beyond jealous. I was straight out envious. I still am. He'll be gone a week. Getting to go to Australia. He'll miss Gogo's first Halloween. He's getting to go away.
I haven't gotten a "get-on-a-plane" vacation since I was pregnant with Lala.
Everyone else has gotten away several times since then. Even Hubs.
I want to let jealousy take over. I want to throw a tantrum that rivals one of Lala's. I want to scream about how unfair this is.
But I won't.
I'll smile. I'll say "how wonderful it is to be needed so badly." I'll support him. I'll look at my girls who need ME so badly.
I'll put myself last again.
Ah, to be a mom.
Friday, August 1, 2014
"Boy" things and "Girl" things....who cares?!
For anyone who knows Lala, the first thing you notice is her bubbly personality, followed closely by her rough and tumble attitude. Though she's not even 3 yet, some may call her a Tom Boy.
She won't hesitate to tell you that she loves Darth Vader ("He's my best friend, momma."), Minions, and soccer. However, she also loves wearing tutus (especially with her Darth Vader pajamas), dancing up a storm saying she's a ballerina, My Little Ponies (my original ones from my childhood!) and, like every other little kid right now, Frozen. True, her favorite character is Marshmallow, the giant monster snowman, but she still loves the movie.
The other day, I had her and her sister at the store with me. While rocking pigtails, Lala had demanded to wear her new Minion tee that I got her from Target. Sure it was from the boy's department, but who cares. We were walking around, and a lady at the meat counter stopped me and started this conversation:
"Why does your little boy have pigtails?"
"....because she's my daughter?" (one of our favorite meat guys, who had been helping me, gave me the 'did she really just say that?!' look)
"Oh. Well, I couldn't tell. My son has the same shirt."
She huffed off after that, leaving both the meat guy and myself starring after her in disbelief. He looked at me and said, "There's no way she looks like a boy. She's all girl!"
...I HATE that people feel like there absolutely has to be different genders for everything. Lots of Lala's clothes have come from the so-called "boy" department but who am I to tell her what she can and can't wear? Part of this relates to my last post. As long as she is happy, and is confident in how she looks, why should I push her away from something she likes because it's "not for girls"?
Thankfully, our families have supported us in giving our girls a wide range of things to play with. They have books about princesses and construction sites. Cars, trains and castles to play with. They encourage anything that they show interest in and don't put a gender on anything.
I'm not sure how this will play out in their future, but for right now, all I see are two happy girls rolling all over the living room floor, without a care in the world.
If you have an opinion about how someone should be dressing their kid/indulging their toy requests (ie girl wanting hot wheels/boy wanting barbies)....please keep your opinions to yourself. They're not your kids to raise. There's enough challenges for kids these days and they don't need judgement. They just need love and acceptance.
She won't hesitate to tell you that she loves Darth Vader ("He's my best friend, momma."), Minions, and soccer. However, she also loves wearing tutus (especially with her Darth Vader pajamas), dancing up a storm saying she's a ballerina, My Little Ponies (my original ones from my childhood!) and, like every other little kid right now, Frozen. True, her favorite character is Marshmallow, the giant monster snowman, but she still loves the movie.
The other day, I had her and her sister at the store with me. While rocking pigtails, Lala had demanded to wear her new Minion tee that I got her from Target. Sure it was from the boy's department, but who cares. We were walking around, and a lady at the meat counter stopped me and started this conversation:
"Why does your little boy have pigtails?"
"....because she's my daughter?" (one of our favorite meat guys, who had been helping me, gave me the 'did she really just say that?!' look)
"Oh. Well, I couldn't tell. My son has the same shirt."
She huffed off after that, leaving both the meat guy and myself starring after her in disbelief. He looked at me and said, "There's no way she looks like a boy. She's all girl!"
...I HATE that people feel like there absolutely has to be different genders for everything. Lots of Lala's clothes have come from the so-called "boy" department but who am I to tell her what she can and can't wear? Part of this relates to my last post. As long as she is happy, and is confident in how she looks, why should I push her away from something she likes because it's "not for girls"?
Thankfully, our families have supported us in giving our girls a wide range of things to play with. They have books about princesses and construction sites. Cars, trains and castles to play with. They encourage anything that they show interest in and don't put a gender on anything.
I'm not sure how this will play out in their future, but for right now, all I see are two happy girls rolling all over the living room floor, without a care in the world.
If you have an opinion about how someone should be dressing their kid/indulging their toy requests (ie girl wanting hot wheels/boy wanting barbies)....please keep your opinions to yourself. They're not your kids to raise. There's enough challenges for kids these days and they don't need judgement. They just need love and acceptance.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Confidence and clothing
A few days ago, my husband linked this article to me and asked what I thought about it. You have to understand, that most articles or links he sends me are of a geeky nature, so I was initially caught off guard by this.
I read it a few times and took time (as much as I can with an almost 3 year old and a 6 month old...) to really think how I felt about this author's post.
I'm all for raising confident, independent young women. I want my girls to love their bodies and be happy with how they look. If, like the daughter in this blog, they're wanting to wear booty shorts for working out, (and they're like...16+) I have no problem with that. I was a swimmer my entire life, so the lack of cover doesn't bother me. If they wanted to wear shorts like that in public...that's where my opinions get a little hazy.
I was raised to respect myself and to make friends and relationships based on the person I was INSIDE. I never really worried about how I looked. Some of my friends did. I saw how much time they wasted trying to be perfectly acceptable to the "popular" crowds and how much money was spent on clothing to fit in. I wasn't entirely immune to that. I loved this one type of Abercrombie jeans, I BEGGED for a North Face fleece. But it didn't make me any more popular because I didn't want to change who I was.
I've seen what has happened to those who relied on their looks in high school to make friends. They are having a pretty hard time in the "real" world now. But my friends, who may not be the most popular, prettiest or handsomest people...well, we're all happy, still in touch, have a wonderful community around us.
All that being said, my husband and I had a lengthy conversation about it that night during our nightly Porch Chat. I told him I had no problem with clothing like that in an appropriate setting, but I really wanted our girls to respect themselves enough to want to form relationships based on their personalities. Those only get stronger, whereas looks change.
Now that we have daughters, he seems to have changed his tune on a lot of opinions he used to have. Four years ago, he would have argued that they should be able to wear whatever, whenever. However, now that he pays attention to how women are treated (i.e. the whole emergence of the rape culture, slut shaming, and blaming women for men's thoughts and actions) he's become cautious about the situations that our daughters could be put in. He agreed that there are appropriate times to wear things like those shorts, and times that there aren't. He also said that, should our girls want to wear something that we feel is questionable, we should have a conversation with them and ask why they want to wear it. He was all for teaching them to respect themselves and rely on personality vs appearance to form relationships with friends and/or future partners.
Unlike the mom in the article, I'm not above having a conversation with them. I think that open communication in a family is really important. I'm not going to sit down and tell them they can't do something "because I said so." I'd rather find out their reasons for wanting to do whatever I'm objecting to because they could have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why they want to do something. Perks of being raised by a father who was a family therapist. My husband and I spent the first year and a half of our relationship relying on communication to strengthen our relationship because we were long distance. We've never had an actual yelling fight. Tense discussions, yes. But we're able to rationally talk about our issues and solve them. That's how we intend to treat issues that arise with our girls.
As I look over at Lala right now, I'm not worried about her future. She is rocking purple bike shorts and her favorite Darth Vader tee. Her sister, likewise, is decked out in a Star Wars onesie because her sister demanded it. If they like boy clothes (like another so-called hot topic right now...transgender children) Great. I'm still going to love these girls. Their personalities are so fun and who cares what they look like.
I love my little Princess Darth and rolly-polly peanut.
I read it a few times and took time (as much as I can with an almost 3 year old and a 6 month old...) to really think how I felt about this author's post.
I'm all for raising confident, independent young women. I want my girls to love their bodies and be happy with how they look. If, like the daughter in this blog, they're wanting to wear booty shorts for working out, (and they're like...16+) I have no problem with that. I was a swimmer my entire life, so the lack of cover doesn't bother me. If they wanted to wear shorts like that in public...that's where my opinions get a little hazy.
I was raised to respect myself and to make friends and relationships based on the person I was INSIDE. I never really worried about how I looked. Some of my friends did. I saw how much time they wasted trying to be perfectly acceptable to the "popular" crowds and how much money was spent on clothing to fit in. I wasn't entirely immune to that. I loved this one type of Abercrombie jeans, I BEGGED for a North Face fleece. But it didn't make me any more popular because I didn't want to change who I was.
I've seen what has happened to those who relied on their looks in high school to make friends. They are having a pretty hard time in the "real" world now. But my friends, who may not be the most popular, prettiest or handsomest people...well, we're all happy, still in touch, have a wonderful community around us.
All that being said, my husband and I had a lengthy conversation about it that night during our nightly Porch Chat. I told him I had no problem with clothing like that in an appropriate setting, but I really wanted our girls to respect themselves enough to want to form relationships based on their personalities. Those only get stronger, whereas looks change.
Now that we have daughters, he seems to have changed his tune on a lot of opinions he used to have. Four years ago, he would have argued that they should be able to wear whatever, whenever. However, now that he pays attention to how women are treated (i.e. the whole emergence of the rape culture, slut shaming, and blaming women for men's thoughts and actions) he's become cautious about the situations that our daughters could be put in. He agreed that there are appropriate times to wear things like those shorts, and times that there aren't. He also said that, should our girls want to wear something that we feel is questionable, we should have a conversation with them and ask why they want to wear it. He was all for teaching them to respect themselves and rely on personality vs appearance to form relationships with friends and/or future partners.
Unlike the mom in the article, I'm not above having a conversation with them. I think that open communication in a family is really important. I'm not going to sit down and tell them they can't do something "because I said so." I'd rather find out their reasons for wanting to do whatever I'm objecting to because they could have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why they want to do something. Perks of being raised by a father who was a family therapist. My husband and I spent the first year and a half of our relationship relying on communication to strengthen our relationship because we were long distance. We've never had an actual yelling fight. Tense discussions, yes. But we're able to rationally talk about our issues and solve them. That's how we intend to treat issues that arise with our girls.
As I look over at Lala right now, I'm not worried about her future. She is rocking purple bike shorts and her favorite Darth Vader tee. Her sister, likewise, is decked out in a Star Wars onesie because her sister demanded it. If they like boy clothes (like another so-called hot topic right now...transgender children) Great. I'm still going to love these girls. Their personalities are so fun and who cares what they look like.
I love my little Princess Darth and rolly-polly peanut.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Fearless
Lala is absolutely fearless. She falls and doesn't cry...instead yells "YELLOW CARD!!!" She is covered in bruises from jumping off and onto anything around her. She laughs at Jabba the Hutt, and will tell you that Darth Vader is her favorite character.
She's only two and a half, but already I worry about the world around her forcing her to believe that she should be afraid. She's female therefore she's weak. She can't do things like the boys because she's NOT a boy. Certain passions of hers could be snatched away because she "shouldn't" like them.
Screw anyone who thinks that.
My daughter is fearless. I intend to keep her that way.
I will encourage her and her sister to do anything they are passionate about.
I will let them scrape their knees, fail at things, and fall down.
I will let them learn.
Because why should we tell a child to be fearful of the world they feel fearless in?
My daughter is fearless. And I love her for it.
She's only two and a half, but already I worry about the world around her forcing her to believe that she should be afraid. She's female therefore she's weak. She can't do things like the boys because she's NOT a boy. Certain passions of hers could be snatched away because she "shouldn't" like them.
Screw anyone who thinks that.
My daughter is fearless. I intend to keep her that way.
I will encourage her and her sister to do anything they are passionate about.
I will let them scrape their knees, fail at things, and fall down.
I will let them learn.
Because why should we tell a child to be fearful of the world they feel fearless in?
My daughter is fearless. And I love her for it.
Monday, June 2, 2014
It had to be blueberries
Lala was sick for the first time last night. I won't go into details, but I now need to figure out how to get blueberries out of the carpet.
In true form, she's back to her usual bouncy, energetic self. Running around, trying to wake up her sister, demanding "Snowman"...aka Frozen. I think she had too much sugar yesterday.
Oh yesterday....
Our day started at 5:30am, getting everyone up and ready to go downtown. Auntie EhEh was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last year and we were all doing a walk to celebrate the end of her cancer journey! She looked fantastic!
Lala, Cocoba and a friend all had matching outfits I made. Little pink shirts that said "My Mommy/Auntie is a super hero!" and capes on the back with "SUPER EHEH/MOMMY"....and pink tutus. Nothing is complete with out a tutu-dress (as Lala calls them). It was so fun to see all the girls running around with their capes flapping in the early morning! Not to be left out, Gogo had a tutu too...but she was snugged up in the Ergo the whole race. It was only at the end I realized her diaper had failed spectacularly and she and I were both covered in pee. Awesome. Lala ate a donut during the race, got to say hi to Darth Vader (her current favorite person) who blew her kisses and played peekaboo....
Thankfully, after the eventful morning, she crashed hard for a nap. Then we were ready to go again at 2:30 for cousin Bug's 4th birthday! There, after playing with water balloons, chasing the older kids around and eating her weight in pirates booty and chocolate coins...she devoured a chocolate chocolate cupcake. Gogo just hung out in her amazing parrot costume and wooed everyone.
After dinner, Lala had a complete and spectacular meltdown. Screaming like I've never heard and knocking her gate down over and over. She finally passed out. Too much stimulation and way too much junk food that she normally doesn't get....it happens.
I felt so horrible when I got her up this morning and noticed that she had been so sick. She didn't yell or cry to wake me or my husband up! Thankfully she's not running a fever. A lazy day at home is in order for today.
In true form, she's back to her usual bouncy, energetic self. Running around, trying to wake up her sister, demanding "Snowman"...aka Frozen. I think she had too much sugar yesterday.
Oh yesterday....
Our day started at 5:30am, getting everyone up and ready to go downtown. Auntie EhEh was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last year and we were all doing a walk to celebrate the end of her cancer journey! She looked fantastic!
Lala, Cocoba and a friend all had matching outfits I made. Little pink shirts that said "My Mommy/Auntie is a super hero!" and capes on the back with "SUPER EHEH/MOMMY"....and pink tutus. Nothing is complete with out a tutu-dress (as Lala calls them). It was so fun to see all the girls running around with their capes flapping in the early morning! Not to be left out, Gogo had a tutu too...but she was snugged up in the Ergo the whole race. It was only at the end I realized her diaper had failed spectacularly and she and I were both covered in pee. Awesome. Lala ate a donut during the race, got to say hi to Darth Vader (her current favorite person) who blew her kisses and played peekaboo....
Thankfully, after the eventful morning, she crashed hard for a nap. Then we were ready to go again at 2:30 for cousin Bug's 4th birthday! There, after playing with water balloons, chasing the older kids around and eating her weight in pirates booty and chocolate coins...she devoured a chocolate chocolate cupcake. Gogo just hung out in her amazing parrot costume and wooed everyone.
After dinner, Lala had a complete and spectacular meltdown. Screaming like I've never heard and knocking her gate down over and over. She finally passed out. Too much stimulation and way too much junk food that she normally doesn't get....it happens.
I felt so horrible when I got her up this morning and noticed that she had been so sick. She didn't yell or cry to wake me or my husband up! Thankfully she's not running a fever. A lazy day at home is in order for today.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Gaining, Losing, Forgiving, Loving
This is not going to be an easy post for me to write. I haven't shared my experiences with my first birth publicly, although if someone asks, I don't shy away from it. I feel like, to really understand my relationship with the girls, this needs to be shared.
When we found out we were having Lala, we were overjoyed. We were planning on having a home birth, and having her in our bath tub. We were gaining a daughter and starting the family we dreamed of!
After 5 days of prodromal labor, high blood pressure and no signs of progress, we were transferred to the hospital. My water had broken right before we went, but when we were checked in, my contractions stopped. The disappointment of not getting the birth I planned, 5 days of exhaustion, doctors who wouldn't listen/didn't believe anything I said, pitocin and an epidural made for a rough labor.
Lala made her appearance after only 5 minutes of pushing. Instead of the overwhelming joy of seeing her and holding her, I just felt exhausted. I looked at my husband, saw his tears of joy and felt so guilty.
Fast forward 2 months. Lala isn't very big, I'm feeling incredibly disconnected and we get told two devastating things at one appointment. First was that I had failed to produce enough milk to feed her, and so in a month, she hadn't gained any weight. Even though she was meeting her developmental milestones, her doctor labeled her as "failing to thrive". (We eventually changed doctors....) Then, after hearing how I was feeling, she told me that I "most likely" had Postpartum Depression (ppd). However, with all this news, she sent me to a lactation specialist who just told me I wasn't trying hard enough. I wasn't given any resources or medication or help for the ppd. Just, "oh, you probably have this."
Nursing failed, even after all the suggestions and work I was putting into it. We switched doctors and she encouraged me to try a specific formula. She also gave me tons of resources for help and prescribed medication. Lala started to gain weight and became this chubby, happy girl. She started sleeping through the night at 2 months, probably because she was finally full. The guilt I felt was overwhelming.
Even with medication, I was having thoughts about how my husband and Lala would be better off without me. That I should just go away and he would raise her right. I was a horrible mother and couldn't even feed her with my body. What kind of person was I if I didn't feel love or couldn't care for her the way I just should!? These were all the ppd talking. My husband was scared and confused by all of this, and for the first 6 months, I have to say that he did more for Lala than I did. I just wanted to spend hours in bed, alone.
After several months, lots of conversations with a lot of people, I had a breakthrough conversation with my brother Bubba. He was explaining a lot of things to me and gave me a very different perspective on the struggles I was still having. He and I haven't always gotten along, but knowing that he was able to talk to me about all of the things I was feeling was huge. I started to engage more, become more connected with Lala and rejoin the world.
I stopped meds right before her first birthday, because I was feeling numb and wanted to be able to be myself again.
Watching her grow into the amazing 2.5 year old she is has been a trip.
When we found out we were having Gogo, all the fear of the birth came flooding back. I wasn't excited about being pregnant again, about having to go through that hell again. About the ppd coming back. About not connecting with my second daughter.
We were seeing completely different midwives this time, planning a hospital birth instead, but wanting to try for the natural one we missed out on. The group at Evergreen Hospital was incredibly supportive. They wanted to know the whole story about my past experience. They asked questions, addressed my fears, suggested several things to help with the stress and anxiety I was going through. Finally, one suggested, after hearing everything and asking her own set of questions, that what I went through was actually a little bit of PTSD. I balked at that, thinking it wasn't something someone had from a bad birthing experience, but the more she explained the similarities, the more it made sense.
All of them promised a different experience this time.
On January 16th, I went into labor, but I didn't think I was. I thought I had just peed my pants (it had been a hilarious issue I'd been dealing with for months at that point). I went to take a bath, when I realized that I was, in fact, having regular contractions.
Lala was dropped off at Tutu and BobBob's, we checked in and were THRILLED to get the midwife that I had wanted. She was calm, funny and straightforward. It started out SO well. My blood pressure spiked again, so they put in an IV, but I didn't need to be hooked up to anything yet. I was free to just walk, sit, labor exactly how I wanted. My husband was making me laugh, I got to eat, take a bath, relax....the atmosphere was so different.
Finally it was time to push, and after about 45 minutes, I got to catch Gogo. The pure joy I felt at having done all of this, by myself, with no drugs....it was such a rush. I cried. I forgave myself for feeling guilty about Lala's birth, I let it go. This birth had redeemed it.
A few hours later, Lala came to meet her sister. The pure joy and love I felt at seeing BOTH my girls together for the first time filled my heart to bursting.
Now here we are, 4 months later, and I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I can recognize when I get frustrated, disconnected, sad and attribute it to the ppd. I've addressed the issues I have, and with such an amazing partner at my side, I'm able to enjoy these times like I wasn't able to last time.
It's an incredible feeling. Letting this traumatic experience go, and having such a positive one. It's like a weight has been lifted and I've made it through...seeing these beautiful girls I have and the relationship I get to build with them.
I'm one lucky mom.
When we found out we were having Lala, we were overjoyed. We were planning on having a home birth, and having her in our bath tub. We were gaining a daughter and starting the family we dreamed of!
After 5 days of prodromal labor, high blood pressure and no signs of progress, we were transferred to the hospital. My water had broken right before we went, but when we were checked in, my contractions stopped. The disappointment of not getting the birth I planned, 5 days of exhaustion, doctors who wouldn't listen/didn't believe anything I said, pitocin and an epidural made for a rough labor.
Lala made her appearance after only 5 minutes of pushing. Instead of the overwhelming joy of seeing her and holding her, I just felt exhausted. I looked at my husband, saw his tears of joy and felt so guilty.
Fast forward 2 months. Lala isn't very big, I'm feeling incredibly disconnected and we get told two devastating things at one appointment. First was that I had failed to produce enough milk to feed her, and so in a month, she hadn't gained any weight. Even though she was meeting her developmental milestones, her doctor labeled her as "failing to thrive". (We eventually changed doctors....) Then, after hearing how I was feeling, she told me that I "most likely" had Postpartum Depression (ppd). However, with all this news, she sent me to a lactation specialist who just told me I wasn't trying hard enough. I wasn't given any resources or medication or help for the ppd. Just, "oh, you probably have this."
Nursing failed, even after all the suggestions and work I was putting into it. We switched doctors and she encouraged me to try a specific formula. She also gave me tons of resources for help and prescribed medication. Lala started to gain weight and became this chubby, happy girl. She started sleeping through the night at 2 months, probably because she was finally full. The guilt I felt was overwhelming.
Even with medication, I was having thoughts about how my husband and Lala would be better off without me. That I should just go away and he would raise her right. I was a horrible mother and couldn't even feed her with my body. What kind of person was I if I didn't feel love or couldn't care for her the way I just should!? These were all the ppd talking. My husband was scared and confused by all of this, and for the first 6 months, I have to say that he did more for Lala than I did. I just wanted to spend hours in bed, alone.
After several months, lots of conversations with a lot of people, I had a breakthrough conversation with my brother Bubba. He was explaining a lot of things to me and gave me a very different perspective on the struggles I was still having. He and I haven't always gotten along, but knowing that he was able to talk to me about all of the things I was feeling was huge. I started to engage more, become more connected with Lala and rejoin the world.
I stopped meds right before her first birthday, because I was feeling numb and wanted to be able to be myself again.
Watching her grow into the amazing 2.5 year old she is has been a trip.
When we found out we were having Gogo, all the fear of the birth came flooding back. I wasn't excited about being pregnant again, about having to go through that hell again. About the ppd coming back. About not connecting with my second daughter.
We were seeing completely different midwives this time, planning a hospital birth instead, but wanting to try for the natural one we missed out on. The group at Evergreen Hospital was incredibly supportive. They wanted to know the whole story about my past experience. They asked questions, addressed my fears, suggested several things to help with the stress and anxiety I was going through. Finally, one suggested, after hearing everything and asking her own set of questions, that what I went through was actually a little bit of PTSD. I balked at that, thinking it wasn't something someone had from a bad birthing experience, but the more she explained the similarities, the more it made sense.
All of them promised a different experience this time.
On January 16th, I went into labor, but I didn't think I was. I thought I had just peed my pants (it had been a hilarious issue I'd been dealing with for months at that point). I went to take a bath, when I realized that I was, in fact, having regular contractions.
Lala was dropped off at Tutu and BobBob's, we checked in and were THRILLED to get the midwife that I had wanted. She was calm, funny and straightforward. It started out SO well. My blood pressure spiked again, so they put in an IV, but I didn't need to be hooked up to anything yet. I was free to just walk, sit, labor exactly how I wanted. My husband was making me laugh, I got to eat, take a bath, relax....the atmosphere was so different.
Finally it was time to push, and after about 45 minutes, I got to catch Gogo. The pure joy I felt at having done all of this, by myself, with no drugs....it was such a rush. I cried. I forgave myself for feeling guilty about Lala's birth, I let it go. This birth had redeemed it.
A few hours later, Lala came to meet her sister. The pure joy and love I felt at seeing BOTH my girls together for the first time filled my heart to bursting.
Now here we are, 4 months later, and I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I can recognize when I get frustrated, disconnected, sad and attribute it to the ppd. I've addressed the issues I have, and with such an amazing partner at my side, I'm able to enjoy these times like I wasn't able to last time.
It's an incredible feeling. Letting this traumatic experience go, and having such a positive one. It's like a weight has been lifted and I've made it through...seeing these beautiful girls I have and the relationship I get to build with them.
I'm one lucky mom.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
The Adventure Begins
Today started out much like the last three weeks have.
Alarm goes off, Poppa takes a shower and gets ready for his day. I feed Gogo, go downstairs and get a pot of tea going. Lala snoozes away for the time being.
Then she wakes up, and we never quite know what kind of adventure the day holds.
Yesterday, she decided early on that pants were forbidden for the day. Then clothes all together. She was gleefully dancing around, much to her sister's delight, singing "Nakie nakie nakie" when Poppa got home.
Today? Well, so far she's got it in her head that her diaper is a good place to store crackers. However, this brings about a "scratchy monster" in her pants. She just laughs at me when I tell her that she needs to choose a new place to put crackers.
Although only two and a half and 4 months, Lala and Gogo certainly give me a life that is far from boring.
Alarm goes off, Poppa takes a shower and gets ready for his day. I feed Gogo, go downstairs and get a pot of tea going. Lala snoozes away for the time being.
Then she wakes up, and we never quite know what kind of adventure the day holds.
Yesterday, she decided early on that pants were forbidden for the day. Then clothes all together. She was gleefully dancing around, much to her sister's delight, singing "Nakie nakie nakie" when Poppa got home.
Today? Well, so far she's got it in her head that her diaper is a good place to store crackers. However, this brings about a "scratchy monster" in her pants. She just laughs at me when I tell her that she needs to choose a new place to put crackers.
Although only two and a half and 4 months, Lala and Gogo certainly give me a life that is far from boring.
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