Jealousy, Support, and the curse of putting yourself last

This past weekend has been one that happens every year for our little family. It's been happening since before my husband and I started dating (7 years ago...can you believe that?) This weekend was the Penny Arcade Expo here in Seattle. Or, as everyone else calls it, PAX Prime.

Why Prime? There are FOUR different shows as of this year: Prime (Seattle), East (Boston), South (Austin), and Australia. Seattle was the location of the first show 10 years ago.

The whole show is supposed to be FOR Gamers, BY Gamers. There are video game developers, board games, handheld consoles, PC gaming....everything. It's family friendly and there's always lots to do! People usually do Cosplay (dress as characters from games) and there are those who go ALL out. Lala has dressed up as R2Tutu and this year as Navi (from the Zelda games). You can find out more about it HERE.

These Expos sell out in MINUTES. I'm not even kidding. This year, the badges for all four days of PAX Prime sold out in 40 minutes. The whole show was sold out in just 24 hours. For reference, the show will see about 80k people over those 4 days....so that's FAST.

To run a convention that will see that many people in 4 days, they need an excellent crew of people to help out. This is where the Enforcers come in. These are about 750 people who volunteer their time to help the show run smoothly. They're not paid. They take time away from their families, from work, from actually getting to experience the show, so that everything runs well.

Hubs is the head of the Line Management division of these Enforcers. (That was quite the set up needed to get here...sorry about that). These dedicated people are in charge of ALL the lines for the entire show. The line to get into the show in the morning? Yep. The one for that booth giving stuff away? You betcha. The various demos going on? Yes indeedy. The ones for the concerts and panels and signings? Oh yeah. So....all these lines that all these people get into, Hubs is in charge of them all. He gets up at about 4:45am and gets home after midnight. The man can run on no sleep, so he's fine. He loves it.

With him gone all day for the four days of the show PLUS two more (set up and tear down), I'm basically a single mom. When I was pregnant, I was still working, so it was fine. When Lala was almost 1, totally doable. Last year, it was fun to see him showing his little R2 off. This year....this year was HARD.

Gogo learned how to crawl, pull herself up on EVERYTHING, is teething AND got a minor ear ache. Lala decided not to sleep if her poppa wasn't here. It was stressful, and tiring. I have great respect for single parents, but I have even more if they have more than one kid now.

Through all of this, and with the added bonus of depression, I was a mess. I tried to keep it in as best I could so that Hubs felt supported and encouraged to keep doing what he loved. However, the green-eyed monster reared it's ugly head by yesterday.

I don't envy him the show. He works hard. Everyone tells me how much he's appreciated and admired. No....what I envy is the escape. The hours away from things he "has" to do and getting to do all the things he loves to do instead. I envy the After Party, the groups of friends he gets to hang out with during the show, the building friendships, the GETTING TO DO WHAT HE LOVES.

I love being a mom. I love my girls...but there are times I get so burned out. This is one of those times.

Top all this off with him telling me that the head of the entire show needs him to go to the one in Australia again....I lost it. I was beyond jealous. I was straight out envious. I still am. He'll be gone a week. Getting to go to Australia. He'll miss Gogo's first Halloween. He's getting to go away.

I haven't gotten a "get-on-a-plane" vacation since I was pregnant with Lala.

Everyone else has gotten away several times since then. Even Hubs.

I want to let jealousy take over. I want to throw a tantrum that rivals one of Lala's. I want to scream about how unfair this is.

But I won't.

I'll smile. I'll say "how wonderful it is to be needed so badly." I'll support him. I'll look at my girls who need ME so badly.

I'll put myself last again.

Ah, to be a mom.