I've always had a bit of a worry-wart disposition. If any of you knew my mom, you'd understand I come by it honestly.
I worry a lot.
Until I had Lala, I didn't know how hard it could be to live with worry on a daily basis. As a disclaimer, I am writing solely based on my own experiences. Every parent has a different experience.
Since she just turned three yesterday, I found myself reflecting a lot about the past three years. A lot of time was spent reflecting on her birth and the first few months of life.
Her birth was traumatic for me. It's taken years to understand this, but it was. It wasn't how we had planned at all. She didn't cry when she was born. I was surrounded by people I didn't know.
Fast forward 2 months, I get diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, my milk is gone and Lala is classified as "failing to thrive" because she hasn't gained any weight in a month.
This is where the worry comes in today.
I worry that Gogo isn't getting enough food. That Lala, at three, isn't getting enough either. (ridiculous because Gogo eats on average 32-38oz of formula PLUS a ton of solid food a day and Lala is a bottomless pit).
I worry that they will resent me for not socializing them more, for not playing with them every time they ask, for making them cry it out. (again, ridiculous because how many of us remember being 10 months or 3 years old?)
I just want them to have the same kind of relationship I have with my mom. I'm so blessed to be in a great place with her. I've never hated my mom, like teen girls are "supposed" to. So when everyone says "oh just wait till you have two teenage girls on your hands" I start to worry about how our relationship will be.
I'm worried about how they'll thrive in the world today. There is so much going on that makes me concerned for their futures, not only as women but as humans in the world today. I hope that Poppa and I can give them the tools, skills and morals they need to navigate the world.
I worry about their happiness. Really, they can do what they'd like with their lives. Our only expectation for them is that they're happy (and healthy).
I worry a lot.
But having Gogo reach for me and smile, or have Lala say "You're the best momma ever. I love you all the time" certainly helps quiet them a lot of the time.
