Thoughts

A few things have happened in our family over the last few weeks that have made me think a lot about my past and the things that I miss the most, or the things that I regret not doing.

First, we had the girls great-grandfather visit from California. It was a rare treat for all of us here and was so fantastic for Lala to get some interaction with him. The last time he and his wife were up here, Lala was just 8 months old, the exact age Gogo is.

Second, our newest niece was born. Bonbon was greeted warmly by both Lala and Gogo (who couldn't contain her fascination at another tiny human).

Finally, our extended family suffered a loss this past Sunday. I didn't know her as well as many others in the family, but I have fond memories of jet skiing with her outside of Spokane many summers. She was just 18.

All these have made me reflect and come to the following thoughts:

• Our daughters have ALL FOUR of their grandparents AND four great-grandparents. How incredibly lucky is that? I only had three grandparents around when I was born, and had lost all of them before I graduated from college. I'm thankful that my parents and my in-laws are all in decent health so that the girls will have a relationship with them unlike what I had with mine. 
• I'm thankful that all of their cousins are within a few hours so that they can grow up together and be part of each others lives. Uncle Bubba needs to move back up here with Eheh and Cocoba, but at least they're no more than 3 hours away. Poppa only ever got to see some of his cousins every summer, and then only every 3 years. So, I'm very grateful everyone is close.
• I don't keep in touch with my extended family the way I should. I am planning on reaching out to my cousins and family to get together and catch up. Life is shockingly short, and I don't want to miss out on things they can teach me.

Now, with apple cider chicken for sandwiches in the crock pot (and making my house smell AMAZING), I'm going to go snug my girls a little closer, and hope that Poppa is in a mood for cuddles when he gets home.

Go hug the people (and pets) you love. And please please please be safe.

Life lately

Life lately has been entertaining to say the least. Here's just a snapshot of the last few days:

• Gogo is now pulling herself up on EVERYTHING. The cat, her crib, etc...we've set up a baby corral to keep her contained.
• Lala has taken it upon herself to inform me what is "my job" and what isn't. She's got a few opinions on that subject.
• The development going in behind our house has 2 houses under construction and they're putting up trees today...Seems silly to plant trees after ripping out an entire forrest for 68 houses. 
• I'm going to be an aunt! Again! BonBon should be here ANY day now, AND we get to look forward to Baby Ball sometime in March! So exciting!
• I painted Lala's toes for the first time yesterday. I wasn't sure how she'd like it, since she doesn't seem to love typical "girly" things (not that I care) but she saw my painted toes and wanted hers done too. She now has "dancing toes" as she'll tell you. 
• Oh...I turn 28 in a few days. That's weird. 

You'll never know

I see you playing together.
You both look to see if I'm watching
And I am
But you'll never see
The exhaustion
The tears
The frustration
Because all you need to see
Is me.
If I smile at you
Be it through tears
Through drooping eyes
Or through gritted teeth
All you see is a smile.
The hugs you both need
Are surrounding you both
With so much love
That I hope
You can feel through
The shaking
The tightness
The looseness
Because I want to give you
All the love I have
Regardless of the tears, tiredness, tension.
I hope you'll never see
Anything but love.

Jealousy, Support, and the curse of putting yourself last

This past weekend has been one that happens every year for our little family. It's been happening since before my husband and I started dating (7 years ago...can you believe that?) This weekend was the Penny Arcade Expo here in Seattle. Or, as everyone else calls it, PAX Prime.

Why Prime? There are FOUR different shows as of this year: Prime (Seattle), East (Boston), South (Austin), and Australia. Seattle was the location of the first show 10 years ago.

The whole show is supposed to be FOR Gamers, BY Gamers. There are video game developers, board games, handheld consoles, PC gaming....everything. It's family friendly and there's always lots to do! People usually do Cosplay (dress as characters from games) and there are those who go ALL out. Lala has dressed up as R2Tutu and this year as Navi (from the Zelda games). You can find out more about it HERE.

These Expos sell out in MINUTES. I'm not even kidding. This year, the badges for all four days of PAX Prime sold out in 40 minutes. The whole show was sold out in just 24 hours. For reference, the show will see about 80k people over those 4 days....so that's FAST.

To run a convention that will see that many people in 4 days, they need an excellent crew of people to help out. This is where the Enforcers come in. These are about 750 people who volunteer their time to help the show run smoothly. They're not paid. They take time away from their families, from work, from actually getting to experience the show, so that everything runs well.

Hubs is the head of the Line Management division of these Enforcers. (That was quite the set up needed to get here...sorry about that). These dedicated people are in charge of ALL the lines for the entire show. The line to get into the show in the morning? Yep. The one for that booth giving stuff away? You betcha. The various demos going on? Yes indeedy. The ones for the concerts and panels and signings? Oh yeah. So....all these lines that all these people get into, Hubs is in charge of them all. He gets up at about 4:45am and gets home after midnight. The man can run on no sleep, so he's fine. He loves it.

With him gone all day for the four days of the show PLUS two more (set up and tear down), I'm basically a single mom. When I was pregnant, I was still working, so it was fine. When Lala was almost 1, totally doable. Last year, it was fun to see him showing his little R2 off. This year....this year was HARD.

Gogo learned how to crawl, pull herself up on EVERYTHING, is teething AND got a minor ear ache. Lala decided not to sleep if her poppa wasn't here. It was stressful, and tiring. I have great respect for single parents, but I have even more if they have more than one kid now.

Through all of this, and with the added bonus of depression, I was a mess. I tried to keep it in as best I could so that Hubs felt supported and encouraged to keep doing what he loved. However, the green-eyed monster reared it's ugly head by yesterday.

I don't envy him the show. He works hard. Everyone tells me how much he's appreciated and admired. No....what I envy is the escape. The hours away from things he "has" to do and getting to do all the things he loves to do instead. I envy the After Party, the groups of friends he gets to hang out with during the show, the building friendships, the GETTING TO DO WHAT HE LOVES.

I love being a mom. I love my girls...but there are times I get so burned out. This is one of those times.

Top all this off with him telling me that the head of the entire show needs him to go to the one in Australia again....I lost it. I was beyond jealous. I was straight out envious. I still am. He'll be gone a week. Getting to go to Australia. He'll miss Gogo's first Halloween. He's getting to go away.

I haven't gotten a "get-on-a-plane" vacation since I was pregnant with Lala.

Everyone else has gotten away several times since then. Even Hubs.

I want to let jealousy take over. I want to throw a tantrum that rivals one of Lala's. I want to scream about how unfair this is.

But I won't.

I'll smile. I'll say "how wonderful it is to be needed so badly." I'll support him. I'll look at my girls who need ME so badly.

I'll put myself last again.

Ah, to be a mom.