I've always had a bit of a worry-wart disposition. If any of you knew my mom, you'd understand I come by it honestly.
I worry a lot.
Until I had Lala, I didn't know how hard it could be to live with worry on a daily basis. As a disclaimer, I am writing solely based on my own experiences. Every parent has a different experience.
Since she just turned three yesterday, I found myself reflecting a lot about the past three years. A lot of time was spent reflecting on her birth and the first few months of life.
Her birth was traumatic for me. It's taken years to understand this, but it was. It wasn't how we had planned at all. She didn't cry when she was born. I was surrounded by people I didn't know.
Fast forward 2 months, I get diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, my milk is gone and Lala is classified as "failing to thrive" because she hasn't gained any weight in a month.
This is where the worry comes in today.
I worry that Gogo isn't getting enough food. That Lala, at three, isn't getting enough either. (ridiculous because Gogo eats on average 32-38oz of formula PLUS a ton of solid food a day and Lala is a bottomless pit).
I worry that they will resent me for not socializing them more, for not playing with them every time they ask, for making them cry it out. (again, ridiculous because how many of us remember being 10 months or 3 years old?)
I just want them to have the same kind of relationship I have with my mom. I'm so blessed to be in a great place with her. I've never hated my mom, like teen girls are "supposed" to. So when everyone says "oh just wait till you have two teenage girls on your hands" I start to worry about how our relationship will be.
I'm worried about how they'll thrive in the world today. There is so much going on that makes me concerned for their futures, not only as women but as humans in the world today. I hope that Poppa and I can give them the tools, skills and morals they need to navigate the world.
I worry about their happiness. Really, they can do what they'd like with their lives. Our only expectation for them is that they're happy (and healthy).
I worry a lot.
But having Gogo reach for me and smile, or have Lala say "You're the best momma ever. I love you all the time" certainly helps quiet them a lot of the time.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Fear for the future
I'm sitting here, enjoying my morning cup of tea and the sounds of Lala (running around in a diaper with a blanket over her head) and Gogo (currently in the playpen) laughing at each other. I'm also catching up on the news from overnight/yesterday.
What I've been reading the last several days have made me sick and very afraid for the girls' futures.
*Cyber Bullying/Bullying in general: There are so many stories about kids getting bullied via social media. The draw of it is that you can do it anonymously. That old schoolyard saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is completely false these days.
The most recent story that made me fear for the future was of a young girl who donated 14 inches of her hair to make wigs for children going through chemo or dealing with being bald for other reasons. She's 12. Can we for a second admire her selfless act? She got a darling pixie cut, went back to school, and was immediately bullied. Because she cut her hair and "looked like a boy". Who cares about why she did it, she was picked on.
I had super short hair for a lot of my childhood and was called boy often. It sickens me that these kids trying to do good, but their peers don't recognize the good and jump on an opportunity to bully. The school refused to see it as bullying, which is of itself a whole other matter....thank goodness the school district we're in has a zero tolerance policy.
I wouldn't say I was bullied in today's definition (that's another post), but these days, there are so many avenues for doing/receiving it. The reasons why people do it (and it's not just kids either) is because they disagree with what someone is doing or how they look...or because an individual is "different". I wonder just how incredibly insecure these people are to pick on others, especially through the vale of the internet. I wonder why they believe this is acceptable.
I'm tempted to ban all online interactions until the girls are in college.
*GamerGate: The hubs and I are both avid gamers. I was working in the gaming industry before I had Lala. I've been playing games my whole life. I never felt "different" for liking them, since it was just part of who I am.
It wasn't until my first role as a QA tester that I realized just how differently women were viewed in the gaming world. I was part of a multiplayer test for a racing game, and the guy I was testing with was mouthing off about how I was "totally cheating" because I was getting specific power-ups/winning races/etc. There was a crowd of the other testers around us (it was the end of the day) and all of them were guys. He kept saying that I didn't know what I was doing, that I had unfair advantages, that I didn't actually know how to game. All of this because he was losing...badly...finally, at one point, our lead looked at him and told him he'd better just put his foot in his mouth because he was getting his ass kicked by a really good gamer...who happened to be female. I left that company soon after.
In case you've been under a rock lately, GamerGate is a phrase currently being used as a rallying point for a misogynistic group of individuals in an effort to remove women from mainstream gaming culture. It started as an unethical attack on a single female developer and has spiraled out to target any woman in gamest development, game journalism, or nerd culture in general. While some people will claim GG is about getting better ethical standards in game journalism, absolutely nothing has been proposed, advanced, or even theorised on how that can be done or what current practices are unacceptable. Instead, an outpouring of hate directed at women has been put forward on a scale not seen since the Iranian revolution.
*The fact that they're WOMEN: There are so many things that are putting shame on people simply because physically, they're female. (I'm going to use the royal "we" here...don't get thrown off) We get blamed for rape because how we were dressed/acted/looked gets interpreted as consent or quite clearly, we were "asking for it". Schools are banning yoga pants...because it's the girls fault for "tempting men" because obviously guys have zero control over themselves. We're getting the ability to make choices about OUR bodies taken away because we don't have the best interest in mind...obviously we don't know our bodies as well as men do. (That's not a statement for pro-life/pro-choice...simply that we're not getting to choose what's best for us...some choose one thing, and others do the opposite...but we should be able to make our own decisions about our own bodies, right?) It's just frightening. It almost seems like we're going back to the days where women were considered second class or even property. Having two daughters I'm raising makes me so fearful about how their world will be when they are adults.
This whole raising kids thing is scary, and then you throw gender into the mix and it gets even scarier. I can only hope that the world turns around and figures itself out. Otherwise, screw it, we're moving to the mountains and living off the land.
What I've been reading the last several days have made me sick and very afraid for the girls' futures.
*Cyber Bullying/Bullying in general: There are so many stories about kids getting bullied via social media. The draw of it is that you can do it anonymously. That old schoolyard saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is completely false these days.
The most recent story that made me fear for the future was of a young girl who donated 14 inches of her hair to make wigs for children going through chemo or dealing with being bald for other reasons. She's 12. Can we for a second admire her selfless act? She got a darling pixie cut, went back to school, and was immediately bullied. Because she cut her hair and "looked like a boy". Who cares about why she did it, she was picked on.
I had super short hair for a lot of my childhood and was called boy often. It sickens me that these kids trying to do good, but their peers don't recognize the good and jump on an opportunity to bully. The school refused to see it as bullying, which is of itself a whole other matter....thank goodness the school district we're in has a zero tolerance policy.
I wouldn't say I was bullied in today's definition (that's another post), but these days, there are so many avenues for doing/receiving it. The reasons why people do it (and it's not just kids either) is because they disagree with what someone is doing or how they look...or because an individual is "different". I wonder just how incredibly insecure these people are to pick on others, especially through the vale of the internet. I wonder why they believe this is acceptable.
I'm tempted to ban all online interactions until the girls are in college.
*GamerGate: The hubs and I are both avid gamers. I was working in the gaming industry before I had Lala. I've been playing games my whole life. I never felt "different" for liking them, since it was just part of who I am.
It wasn't until my first role as a QA tester that I realized just how differently women were viewed in the gaming world. I was part of a multiplayer test for a racing game, and the guy I was testing with was mouthing off about how I was "totally cheating" because I was getting specific power-ups/winning races/etc. There was a crowd of the other testers around us (it was the end of the day) and all of them were guys. He kept saying that I didn't know what I was doing, that I had unfair advantages, that I didn't actually know how to game. All of this because he was losing...badly...finally, at one point, our lead looked at him and told him he'd better just put his foot in his mouth because he was getting his ass kicked by a really good gamer...who happened to be female. I left that company soon after.
In case you've been under a rock lately, GamerGate is a phrase currently being used as a rallying point for a misogynistic group of individuals in an effort to remove women from mainstream gaming culture. It started as an unethical attack on a single female developer and has spiraled out to target any woman in gamest development, game journalism, or nerd culture in general. While some people will claim GG is about getting better ethical standards in game journalism, absolutely nothing has been proposed, advanced, or even theorised on how that can be done or what current practices are unacceptable. Instead, an outpouring of hate directed at women has been put forward on a scale not seen since the Iranian revolution.
*The fact that they're WOMEN: There are so many things that are putting shame on people simply because physically, they're female. (I'm going to use the royal "we" here...don't get thrown off) We get blamed for rape because how we were dressed/acted/looked gets interpreted as consent or quite clearly, we were "asking for it". Schools are banning yoga pants...because it's the girls fault for "tempting men" because obviously guys have zero control over themselves. We're getting the ability to make choices about OUR bodies taken away because we don't have the best interest in mind...obviously we don't know our bodies as well as men do. (That's not a statement for pro-life/pro-choice...simply that we're not getting to choose what's best for us...some choose one thing, and others do the opposite...but we should be able to make our own decisions about our own bodies, right?) It's just frightening. It almost seems like we're going back to the days where women were considered second class or even property. Having two daughters I'm raising makes me so fearful about how their world will be when they are adults.
This whole raising kids thing is scary, and then you throw gender into the mix and it gets even scarier. I can only hope that the world turns around and figures itself out. Otherwise, screw it, we're moving to the mountains and living off the land.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Four years
This past Friday, the Husband and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. We sat together wondering how we'd gotten to four years already. We haven't always been able to do a lot for this day, and this year was no exception. However, it's not something that really upsets us....just kind of how we do things. We reflected, spent time together...after all, that's really all that we need. Here's what we remembered from the last four anniversaries:
I'm eagerly looking forward to our first date...and also for a little toddler's 3rd birthday! She's demanded a Pink Party where everyone (and she means EVERYONE) wears tutus. So, I'm making everyone tutus. Not even kidding.
I would write more, but I have a growling Gogo to go remove from a not so great spot....
- 2010 - we got married! What an incredible day surrounded with people we love.
- 2011 - I was in the hospital with pre-term labor. Weird to think that Lala could have been born on our anniversary. She would have been 32 weeks, but the doctors insisted she would have been okay.
- 2012 - The hubs surprised me with a trip to Leavenworth in December to see the lights. Leavenworth is this DARLING bavarian themed town in the mountains. He had rented this little cottage on a vineyard. Although....I got super sick. Hurray for the perfectly timed flu.
- 2013 - Hubs had just been laid off from Zynga, so we kept it low key. Plus I was 6ish months pregnant.
- 2014 - Hubs had a huge gaming thing this weekend. I got to spend time going to parks with the girls.
- Nov - Fly Me To The Moon: a classy night out, listening to Frank Sinatra and going to fun bars.
- Dec - Jolly Good Fun: British night! Fish n chips, beer/cider and a movie set in England.
- Jan - Snug as a Bug in a Rug: snug up with tea, books and each other.
- Feb - Test of Everlasting Love: Wii Showdown, will we still love each other after? Hahaha!
- March - Saint Patty's Day: Hang out at a pub, make food at home or invite friends over for a feast.
- April - A Night at the Ballet: Our favorite principal dancer is retiring at the end of the season, so we'll catch Swan Lake (for the third time) and then eat at a fun restaurant!
- May - Dinner in Reverse! Dessert, dinner, appetizers! In that order.
- June - Do You Wanna Build a Garden?: (can you tell I've been watching Frozen a ton?) Do some yard work as a family! Fence, garden, etc.
- July - Picnic in the Park: Exactly what it sounds like
- Aug - Ren Faire! Time to take the girls to their first Ren faire! Gotta get costumes made for them and fix my own!
- Sept - A Date at the Frye Museum: Checking out a local museum we haven't gone to yet.
- Oct - Back where it all began: A hike at Saint Edwards Park. We went there the day he proposed (and almost lost my parent's dog), we got married at the chapel on the property....now it's time to enjoy the fall colors and let the girls run wild!
I'm eagerly looking forward to our first date...and also for a little toddler's 3rd birthday! She's demanded a Pink Party where everyone (and she means EVERYONE) wears tutus. So, I'm making everyone tutus. Not even kidding.
I would write more, but I have a growling Gogo to go remove from a not so great spot....
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Thoughts
A few things have happened in our family over the last few weeks that have made me think a lot about my past and the things that I miss the most, or the things that I regret not doing.
First, we had the girls great-grandfather visit from California. It was a rare treat for all of us here and was so fantastic for Lala to get some interaction with him. The last time he and his wife were up here, Lala was just 8 months old, the exact age Gogo is.
Second, our newest niece was born. Bonbon was greeted warmly by both Lala and Gogo (who couldn't contain her fascination at another tiny human).
Finally, our extended family suffered a loss this past Sunday. I didn't know her as well as many others in the family, but I have fond memories of jet skiing with her outside of Spokane many summers. She was just 18.
All these have made me reflect and come to the following thoughts:
Now, with apple cider chicken for sandwiches in the crock pot (and making my house smell AMAZING), I'm going to go snug my girls a little closer, and hope that Poppa is in a mood for cuddles when he gets home.
Go hug the people (and pets) you love. And please please please be safe.
First, we had the girls great-grandfather visit from California. It was a rare treat for all of us here and was so fantastic for Lala to get some interaction with him. The last time he and his wife were up here, Lala was just 8 months old, the exact age Gogo is.
Second, our newest niece was born. Bonbon was greeted warmly by both Lala and Gogo (who couldn't contain her fascination at another tiny human).
Finally, our extended family suffered a loss this past Sunday. I didn't know her as well as many others in the family, but I have fond memories of jet skiing with her outside of Spokane many summers. She was just 18.
All these have made me reflect and come to the following thoughts:
- Our daughters have ALL FOUR of their grandparents AND four great-grandparents. How incredibly lucky is that? I only had three grandparents around when I was born, and had lost all of them before I graduated from college. I'm thankful that my parents and my in-laws are all in decent health so that the girls will have a relationship with them unlike what I had with mine.
- I'm thankful that all of their cousins are within a few hours so that they can grow up together and be part of each others lives. Uncle Bubba needs to move back up here with Eheh and Cocoba, but at least they're no more than 3 hours away. Poppa only ever got to see some of his cousins every summer, and then only every 3 years. So, I'm very grateful everyone is close.
- I don't keep in touch with my extended family the way I should. I am planning on reaching out to my cousins and family to get together and catch up. Life is shockingly short, and I don't want to miss out on things they can teach me.
Now, with apple cider chicken for sandwiches in the crock pot (and making my house smell AMAZING), I'm going to go snug my girls a little closer, and hope that Poppa is in a mood for cuddles when he gets home.
Go hug the people (and pets) you love. And please please please be safe.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Life lately
Life lately has been entertaining to say the least. Here's just a snapshot of the last few days:
- Gogo is now pulling herself up on EVERYTHING. The cat, her crib, etc...we've set up a baby corral to keep her contained.
- Lala has taken it upon herself to inform me what is "my job" and what isn't. She's got a few opinions on that subject.
- The development going in behind our house has 2 houses under construction and they're putting up trees today...Seems silly to plant trees after ripping out an entire forrest for 68 houses.
- I'm going to be an aunt! Again! BonBon should be here ANY day now, AND we get to look forward to Baby Ball sometime in March! So exciting!
- I painted Lala's toes for the first time yesterday. I wasn't sure how she'd like it, since she doesn't seem to love typical "girly" things (not that I care) but she saw my painted toes and wanted hers done too. She now has "dancing toes" as she'll tell you.
- Oh...I turn 28 in a few days. That's weird.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
You'll never know
I see you playing together.
You both look to see if I'm watching
And I am
But you'll never see
The exhaustion
The tears
The frustration
Because all you need to see
Is me.
If I smile at you
Be it through tears
Through drooping eyes
Or through gritted teeth
All you see is a smile.
The hugs you both need
Are surrounding you both
With so much love
That I hope
You can feel through
The shaking
The tightness
The looseness
Because I want to give you
All the love I have
Regardless of the tears, tiredness, tension.
I hope you'll never see
Anything but love.
You both look to see if I'm watching
And I am
But you'll never see
The exhaustion
The tears
The frustration
Because all you need to see
Is me.
If I smile at you
Be it through tears
Through drooping eyes
Or through gritted teeth
All you see is a smile.
The hugs you both need
Are surrounding you both
With so much love
That I hope
You can feel through
The shaking
The tightness
The looseness
Because I want to give you
All the love I have
Regardless of the tears, tiredness, tension.
I hope you'll never see
Anything but love.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Jealousy, Support, and the curse of putting yourself last
This past weekend has been one that happens every year for our little family. It's been happening since before my husband and I started dating (7 years ago...can you believe that?) This weekend was the Penny Arcade Expo here in Seattle. Or, as everyone else calls it, PAX Prime.
Why Prime? There are FOUR different shows as of this year: Prime (Seattle), East (Boston), South (Austin), and Australia. Seattle was the location of the first show 10 years ago.
The whole show is supposed to be FOR Gamers, BY Gamers. There are video game developers, board games, handheld consoles, PC gaming....everything. It's family friendly and there's always lots to do! People usually do Cosplay (dress as characters from games) and there are those who go ALL out. Lala has dressed up as R2Tutu and this year as Navi (from the Zelda games). You can find out more about it HERE.
These Expos sell out in MINUTES. I'm not even kidding. This year, the badges for all four days of PAX Prime sold out in 40 minutes. The whole show was sold out in just 24 hours. For reference, the show will see about 80k people over those 4 days....so that's FAST.
To run a convention that will see that many people in 4 days, they need an excellent crew of people to help out. This is where the Enforcers come in. These are about 750 people who volunteer their time to help the show run smoothly. They're not paid. They take time away from their families, from work, from actually getting to experience the show, so that everything runs well.
Hubs is the head of the Line Management division of these Enforcers. (That was quite the set up needed to get here...sorry about that). These dedicated people are in charge of ALL the lines for the entire show. The line to get into the show in the morning? Yep. The one for that booth giving stuff away? You betcha. The various demos going on? Yes indeedy. The ones for the concerts and panels and signings? Oh yeah. So....all these lines that all these people get into, Hubs is in charge of them all. He gets up at about 4:45am and gets home after midnight. The man can run on no sleep, so he's fine. He loves it.
With him gone all day for the four days of the show PLUS two more (set up and tear down), I'm basically a single mom. When I was pregnant, I was still working, so it was fine. When Lala was almost 1, totally doable. Last year, it was fun to see him showing his little R2 off. This year....this year was HARD.
Gogo learned how to crawl, pull herself up on EVERYTHING, is teething AND got a minor ear ache. Lala decided not to sleep if her poppa wasn't here. It was stressful, and tiring. I have great respect for single parents, but I have even more if they have more than one kid now.
Through all of this, and with the added bonus of depression, I was a mess. I tried to keep it in as best I could so that Hubs felt supported and encouraged to keep doing what he loved. However, the green-eyed monster reared it's ugly head by yesterday.
I don't envy him the show. He works hard. Everyone tells me how much he's appreciated and admired. No....what I envy is the escape. The hours away from things he "has" to do and getting to do all the things he loves to do instead. I envy the After Party, the groups of friends he gets to hang out with during the show, the building friendships, the GETTING TO DO WHAT HE LOVES.
I love being a mom. I love my girls...but there are times I get so burned out. This is one of those times.
Top all this off with him telling me that the head of the entire show needs him to go to the one in Australia again....I lost it. I was beyond jealous. I was straight out envious. I still am. He'll be gone a week. Getting to go to Australia. He'll miss Gogo's first Halloween. He's getting to go away.
I haven't gotten a "get-on-a-plane" vacation since I was pregnant with Lala.
Everyone else has gotten away several times since then. Even Hubs.
I want to let jealousy take over. I want to throw a tantrum that rivals one of Lala's. I want to scream about how unfair this is.
But I won't.
I'll smile. I'll say "how wonderful it is to be needed so badly." I'll support him. I'll look at my girls who need ME so badly.
I'll put myself last again.
Ah, to be a mom.
Why Prime? There are FOUR different shows as of this year: Prime (Seattle), East (Boston), South (Austin), and Australia. Seattle was the location of the first show 10 years ago.
The whole show is supposed to be FOR Gamers, BY Gamers. There are video game developers, board games, handheld consoles, PC gaming....everything. It's family friendly and there's always lots to do! People usually do Cosplay (dress as characters from games) and there are those who go ALL out. Lala has dressed up as R2Tutu and this year as Navi (from the Zelda games). You can find out more about it HERE.
These Expos sell out in MINUTES. I'm not even kidding. This year, the badges for all four days of PAX Prime sold out in 40 minutes. The whole show was sold out in just 24 hours. For reference, the show will see about 80k people over those 4 days....so that's FAST.
To run a convention that will see that many people in 4 days, they need an excellent crew of people to help out. This is where the Enforcers come in. These are about 750 people who volunteer their time to help the show run smoothly. They're not paid. They take time away from their families, from work, from actually getting to experience the show, so that everything runs well.
Hubs is the head of the Line Management division of these Enforcers. (That was quite the set up needed to get here...sorry about that). These dedicated people are in charge of ALL the lines for the entire show. The line to get into the show in the morning? Yep. The one for that booth giving stuff away? You betcha. The various demos going on? Yes indeedy. The ones for the concerts and panels and signings? Oh yeah. So....all these lines that all these people get into, Hubs is in charge of them all. He gets up at about 4:45am and gets home after midnight. The man can run on no sleep, so he's fine. He loves it.
With him gone all day for the four days of the show PLUS two more (set up and tear down), I'm basically a single mom. When I was pregnant, I was still working, so it was fine. When Lala was almost 1, totally doable. Last year, it was fun to see him showing his little R2 off. This year....this year was HARD.
Gogo learned how to crawl, pull herself up on EVERYTHING, is teething AND got a minor ear ache. Lala decided not to sleep if her poppa wasn't here. It was stressful, and tiring. I have great respect for single parents, but I have even more if they have more than one kid now.
Through all of this, and with the added bonus of depression, I was a mess. I tried to keep it in as best I could so that Hubs felt supported and encouraged to keep doing what he loved. However, the green-eyed monster reared it's ugly head by yesterday.
I don't envy him the show. He works hard. Everyone tells me how much he's appreciated and admired. No....what I envy is the escape. The hours away from things he "has" to do and getting to do all the things he loves to do instead. I envy the After Party, the groups of friends he gets to hang out with during the show, the building friendships, the GETTING TO DO WHAT HE LOVES.
I love being a mom. I love my girls...but there are times I get so burned out. This is one of those times.
Top all this off with him telling me that the head of the entire show needs him to go to the one in Australia again....I lost it. I was beyond jealous. I was straight out envious. I still am. He'll be gone a week. Getting to go to Australia. He'll miss Gogo's first Halloween. He's getting to go away.
I haven't gotten a "get-on-a-plane" vacation since I was pregnant with Lala.
Everyone else has gotten away several times since then. Even Hubs.
I want to let jealousy take over. I want to throw a tantrum that rivals one of Lala's. I want to scream about how unfair this is.
But I won't.
I'll smile. I'll say "how wonderful it is to be needed so badly." I'll support him. I'll look at my girls who need ME so badly.
I'll put myself last again.
Ah, to be a mom.
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